I just got home from the hospital from visiting Carrie. She remains stable with not much change from yesterday. At the time I left, they were working on titrating her oxygen down. Her oxygen has fluctuated a bit over the last few days – between 55% and 75%. This has a lot to do with lowering her ventilator pressure support. As they lower the pressure, they typically need to increase the oxygen support to maintain her blood oxygen saturation. As I left the hospital today, she was on 70% oxygen support and had a pressure support level of 12. I am impatient to see more results faster, but I have to remind myself that just four days ago she was at 100% and 20.

I don’t have a lot of information on her kidneys and dialysis, but I was of course not able to talk to her kidney doctor over the weekend. The nurse did tell me that Carrie would be receiving another round of dialysis tomorrow, and that her kidneys were not there yet. We expected that, though I sure prayed for improved kidney function. I have my suspicions that as they now slowly take her off the Covid-related meds, her kidneys might improve faster.

Jeremiah continues to hold his own. There is kicking and moving and still a good heart rate. I am continually frustrated that the reports aren’t more detailed about Jeremiah, but that’s due to the fact that ICU day nurses aren’t performing those tests – they’re handled by the Labor & Delivery night nurses.

Yes, I’m frustrated and discouraged that this process isn’t going faster. I have a greater longing to hold my wife and have long conversations with her than I did just days ago. I thought I already loved my wife with all my heart, but it turns out my heart had plenty of room for more love for her.

I can’t go into her hospital room at all. I can stand outside her closed door and look through the window. I can see that her heart rate, oxygen saturation, respiration rate, and blood pressure are all good. I can see her skin tones and know that they’re a normal color. I can talk to the nurse and get updates on how she’s doing. But I can’t hug her, hold her hand, or stroke her hair in the way she loves so very much. I can’t tell her that I’m proud of her for fighting so hard, or that it’s all going to be okay. I’m really struggling with patience and knowing that Carrie will heal in God’s timing. And my mind goes to the worst that maybe she won’t heal at all, and struggle with the idea that God still has a plan if that happens. And as I type this, I’m changing out yet another keyboard I’ve shorted out from all these damn tears.

I love my wife and I love my son. I would trade them for nothing in this world. And while today may be just an extra emotional day, it means that logically I can see that my emotions aren’t matching reality.

Truth: Carrie is stable, Jeremiah is healthy, and we are achieving the normal progression of healing for this disease.

Emotions: I’m about to lose my wife. I am a failing husband who didn’t protect her and, I put her life in grave jeopardy. (Be gone, Devil!)The struggle is real with the emotions today though. Just all over the place. Its a fight to keep to the truth over the emotions. Its a fight to cling to God more than flesh.

I simply don’t have the donation site ready for everyone yet. Between time constraints and exhaustive emotions, I’m still working on it. I so very much appreciate that so many of you have offered to donate. I’m going to use PayPal, Venmo, and Zelle for donations. I already have all of those accounts, and donations are all fee free. I will of course include a mailing address for those wishing to mail a check; I completely understand that. I will set it up as a blog site with continued updates, and continue posting them to Facebook.

I can’t end one of these updates without expressing my enormous gratitude for all of you who have prayed, encouraged, and supported my family through this struggle. Near or far, family or stranger, so many of you have blessed my heart in so many ways. I am continually amazed by how many have showed up in our time of need. All of you are family to me now. You have encouraged me to strive to grow through this trial in life, and picked me up every time I fell. I love and appreciate you all so much.

Don’t forget – I would love to have you all shower Carrie with get well cards for her when she wakes up. If you can, please send her a card of your love, support, and prayers for her. If you don’t have our mailing address, send me a private message and I will give it to you.